A Slow Fade

A Slow Fade

I’ve watched a lot of people walk away from the calling that the Lord had willed for their life, and I’ve seen some people walk away from the Lord completely. As I watched such lamentable actions, I promised the Lord that I would never allow myself to make such a choice, not after experiencing His glorious presence time after time. I believed that I had the strength to not walk away no matter what storm I faced; that was where my downfall lay.

It didn’t happen over night. I didn’t wake up one morning and come to a solid decision to put my relationship with the Lord on the back burner. In the weeks following my mom’s passing, I was numb to the reality of the loss. When that reality came to fruition in my mind, I relapsed. For the first time in three and half years, I hurt myself. Knowing what scripture says about unclean spirits returning (Matthew 12:43-45), I was terrified; I refused to allow the enemy to lock that prison cell again. I immediately repented, asked for forgiveness, and asked other believers to pray over me. I fell, but I rose again.

Over the following weeks, the stress of my mom’s lingering memorial and every day responsibilities started weighing down on me. I turned to the Lord for refuge as I felt my mind quickly spinning out of control, but subconsciously, I started taking control for myself. I stopped eating and filled every open minute of my schedule. I continued to spend time with the Lord and study the Word, but it became secondary as I frantically tried to salvage my deteriorating well being in my own strength. Instead of reaching out when panic attacks clouded my mind, I shut down, and I ignored thoughts of suicide instead of rebuking them because they don’t exist if you don’t think about them, right? What childish thinking, I know. I was fighting and I was tired. And before the thought of falling to my knees in a desperate surrender crossed my mind, I relapsed again. And again. And again. And the next thing I knew, I was staring at a handful of sleeping pills as I prayed for the courage to swallow them. I went from thriving to merely surviving within such a short period of time, too prideful to ask for help because I didn’t want to humble myself enough and admit that I wasn’t strong enough.

The enemy lives to steal, kill, and destroy, in whatever way possible, and sometimes in more than one way all at the same time. He pursues efforts to make you forget who you are and whispers over and over that you are not who the cross declares you to be, and in moment after moment of unrest, you start to believe it; your heart loses sight of the blood stained victory that once marked your every step. And you’re left with nothing, empty and gasping for just one more breath of strength somewhere within yourself. A slow fade, a quiet betrayal that even your best efforts can’t mend.

Pride is such a deceitful spirit; the cost of succumbing to it can be so catastrophic, most people can’t comprehend the destruction of it until our efforts of preserving it fades into oblivion and we come face to face with our Father and attempt to justify our arrogance. How fortunate we are to serve such a merciful Abba Father who whispers for us to return home before such devastation!

So rend your heart, and not your garments; Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness; and He relents from doing harm.”

Joel 2:13 NKJV

By God’s grace, I have humbly come back to the foot of the cross. My strength failed me, as it always will, but His strength is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He’s cast my downfalls as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12), breathed life into this once downcast heart, and gave me strength to believe in His unfailing mercy and grace once again. What an incredible Father we serve!

Alyssa Kristine About Alyssa Kristine

Redeemed from childhood dysfunction and drug addicted and homeless teen years, Alyssa is winging adulthood with discernment of faith and striving for nothing less than the standard Christ created. She believes that the beauty of the cross is found in the broken pieces of life that are molded together into an astonishing sum of crimson stained grace and mercy.


  1. You’ve beautifully laid open your heart and shown us that the Christian walk isn’t always sweet and straight. We struggle and hurt. But God is always there, even when we don’t realize it. I am so grateful you have Him in your heart to help you through these times, Alyssa. God bless you, sweetie.

  2. May we never take our enemy for granted! Thank you for this beautiful and powerful testimony.

  3. I definitely think it is much easier to go through the slow fade than to just fall away instantly. I also think the slow fade is much more dangerous because it is that “frog in the kettle” kind of thing. Desensitized so slowly we don’t notice. That’s why we have to keep our minds focused and hearts turned in the right direction. Thanks for your openness and the reminder.

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